Kelly Brook portrays her boobs as a bafflement, permit us to judge: It's a wonder any man can satisfy Kelly Brook if she can't even be satisfied by the one thing two things she's famous for. The owner of Britain's most treasured chest has described her tits as disappointing and floppy, something we reckon the thousands of perverts who flocked to HM to feast on pics of her recent Playboy spread would disagree with.

Brook was blethering about her bust to Bang Showbiz, and in the process made claims more preposterous than Gordon Ramsay's hairline. If the interviewer wasn't already having trouble keeping eye contact with her, their eyes would have been fixed permanently further south after these quotes.

If Kelly Brook's tits are a big disappointment then Peaches Geldof is beautiful human being and a talented novelist. We're starting to think that these quotes have been taken massively out of context, and when she says the words "always a disappointment" and talks about things going "flop" she's actually referring to ex Danny Cipriani's penis.

It's an absurd and attention-seeking comment from Brook, but who cares? Here at HM we welcome any excuse to roll out her back catalogue and create a gallery more prestigious than the Tate Modern. There's no better way to start a Sunday morning - think of it as tucking into a really greasy fry up. Just with your eyes.  However, it is about time she started pulling down her top half again rather than playing it down.